Building Capacitry
As children living with trauma, we dreamed of a rescue. Someone to see us, acknowledge our pain, and take us to safety. We fantasized about that knight in shining armor swooping in to save us.
As adults who survived it all, we no longer need a rescue; we need recovery.
But recovery isn’t flashy or intense. Recovery can look and feel boring and never-ending.
Recovery is about creating and sustaining peace and safety.
There are no grand gestures or explosions. No heightened excitement. It’s not flashy.
It’s calm.
It’s stable.
It’s predictable.
For many, that equals boring. It requires a consistent presence that those who have not done their own work are incapable of.
When we attract a rescuer, and they realize the grand-gesture rescue isn’t enough, they often leave. They call you a black hole, high maintenance, a drain. Crazy.
And yeah, I’m sure it feels like that to someone with a hero complex—someone who isn’t getting their ego stroked constantly. When our sadness and our issues become a constant reminder that the rescue was only the first step in a lifelong process, they start to feel like they aren’t enough.
And if all they can provide is the rescue without the aftercare, then they’re right.
They aren’t enough.
But here’s the important part—Our recovery is not dependent on someone else’s capacity.
It is dependent upon ours.
How do we build capacity?
Capacity building is the process of strengthening the skills, knowledge, systems, and resources that individuals, organizations, and communities need to survive, adapt, and thrive.1
For cPTSD survivors, capacity building begins at the ground floor. Let’s unpack this definition piece by piece.
Skills: This can run the spectrum from educational to emotional to spiritual, depending on what feels foundational to your growth. For some, they may need to relearn skills from elementary school. Others may need skill-building around boundaries if they were consistently violated at home. All need to develop self-care skills.
Knowledge: The first step is often acknowledging the trauma in the first place. We have been gaslit our entire lives, never being allowed to fully accept that the way we were treated was wrong and abusive. Learning about how cPTSD fundamentally changes our nervous system is important because how you think, feel, respond, and react are all routed along pathways that are not the same as someone who does not have the same history. You must understand yourself, how you think and how you respond.
Systems: This may feel like it has more to do with companies, but we have systems, too. Human beings have intricate and elaborate systems in our emotional and psychological lives that have developed in response to trauma, to create and maintain safety. Once we understand our systems, we can work with them, shift them, and adapt them to serve us now, in the present. Having our systems on autopilot is not always ideal. What worked for us then is not always what we need now. We can create new systems.
Resources: I love talking about resources. They are integral to our recovery and intersect with all the other parts. We can think of resources as internal and external. One is not better than the other; in fact, we often need both.
Internal resources are the self-care practices we do for ourselves that do not require another person or place. An example would be learning how to regulate our nervous system via breathing exercises or vagal nerve exercises.
External resources require something or someone beyond us to function. Going to a class, a job, or therapy are examples. If you need a car to get there, if you need extra money to buy it, if you need a person to teach it. These are all examples of external resources. The internet has made external resourcing easier for many people.
This is not meant to feel overwhelming, though I acknowledge that it can. I have been overwhelmed many times in this process–especially when I expect myself to have mastery over all of it right away. This is a lifelong process. Many of the lessons you will revisit often. Some you may feel you never get. It’s okay.
Remember who you are raising—It’s not adult you who thinks you should have it all figured out by now, ffs.
It is little you, young you, adolescent you, teen you…start there. Start by teaching them what you wish you would have known or been taught. Teach them other skills and systems; show them how to resource.
Tell them what you needed to hear, witness them, honor them, and hold them in unconditional love.
It all builds over time and practice.
You are worth the effort.
This is work you can do with a trauma-informed therapist and a trauma-informed coach. My Infinite Heart coaching is all about building capacity, reconnecting with your inner wisdom/intuition, reconnecting with and raising your inner children, and building a life you don't need to be rescued from. There are so many paths we can take to get there. If this article speaks to you, schedule a Vibe check session with me!
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